"I won't lie. Mentally, yes, it's been very difficult," the former Chelsea winger Charly Musonda told BBC Sport.
Musonda, who retired aged 28 last summer, decided to quit football after a spell in Cyprus marred by unpaid wages – but despite this being a far cry from the start of his career, there is renewed excitement on the horizon.
"One studs‑up tackle cost me four years of my career. Doctors told me I had a 20% chance of ever playing again," he said of the posterior cruciate ligament injury that changed everything in 2018.
After nearly four years out, Musonda was fit enough to return for Chelsea but found the club lost faith in him. Subsequent moves to Levante in Spain and Anorthosis in Cyprus could not revive his ambitions.
After his career instability, Musonda, based in Los Angeles, is now working on developing a one‑versus‑one, combat sport‑style football league game.
Musonda injured the PCL in his knee, an almost unheard‑of issue in football, when surgery is usually avoided to prevent altering a player's explosiveness or running style. Two months out became a full season and when he tested the knee again during his loan back at Vitesse, he broke down once more.
Seeking answers, Musonda consulted his private doctorand was advised to have surgery. Chelsea initially refused, delaying him another month, but Musonda eventually won the argument.
During his eight‑to‑10‑month recovery, the global coronavirus pandemic struck, slowing his progress further by restricting access to club facilities and staff.
At that stage, Musonda paid for parts of his own rehabilitation, hiring a private physiotherapist in Dubai at his own expense – a move he says led to him being fined but that he ultimately credits with helping him return to training three and a half years after the initial injury.
Managers Maurizio Sarri and Lampard had come and gone, and Thomas Tuchel was now in charge at Chelsea.
"I met Tuchel in the car park and he told me he knew who I was from Dortmund and to be ready for the following pre-season," Musonda said. "I came back and was told to sign a contract at half my salary and to go out on loan by Petr Cech and Carlo Cudicini, the loan coach.
"I was also told I would be training with the under-23s but I pulled one of Tuchel's coaches aside and he said it was a mistake – that I was travelling with them to Ireland the next day for the tour. I trained there and I got Covid. A nightmare.
"When I returned, Tuchel told me there was some animosity in the front office. I said I would have played for free that season to prove myself at Chelsea and that if I wasn't good enough, I would walk away when my contract expired.
"I knew from September that I wouldn't play and it was tough, especially after being told I had only a 20% chance of playing football again when I had the surgery to then feeling fully fit.
"I just needed an opportunity at Chelsea, but it was a tough sell after so long out. Mentally, that was one of the toughest moments. It killed me. Chelsea was where I wanted to make it."
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